I Get Stuck At Worthiness

I have a friend who is currently being a warrior through some health stuff.  I am amazed at her calmness and peacefulness through some very scary news.  I am in awe of it and her, really.  I look at the panic and fear that was constantly in my head with Ryan a few months ago and wonder if I could have the same grace as she has, if I were facing the same battles.  I don't think I could, although I aspire to it.  She shared with me that she is doing the exercises in "The Miracle Morning Routine Journal."  Knowing I need to find some peace and balance in my world, I started the routine, as well.  

There are 7 steps.  For the first week, you do one step and then add the next step the next day.  Soon, you have a morning routine full of introspection and intentions.  This is all set up to start our day on the right foot.  

Day 1 is 10 minutes of silence.  Silence is hard.  Thoughts run through my head at warp speed.  I think about things I need to do, things I need to tell Chris or the kids, what my grocery list or menu needs to include and much more than that.  I am not a quiet person.  I started getting out of bed, while the rest of the house is asleep, and sitting outside in my backyard.  First, I work on breathing.  I figure if I could get my breathing deep and refreshing, maybe it will help quiet the noise in my brain.  So I sit and I breathe and I listen.  I listen to the birds and the cars zipping up and down my street and the jangle of Eugene's name tag against his collar.  My friend told me meditating and sitting in silence is an act of listening so that we can hear ourselves or our higher self.  The sounds and the lists and the have to dos in my head start to quiet more as the week goes on.   It's still not easy.  

Today was interesting because I just couldn't get the noise to simmer down.  With a weekend away on the horizon, there are a few things to do before it's time to leave.  As soon as I started to breathe deeply, I finally heard the birds and the wind and the rustling of the leaves of the trees in my neighborhood.  It took some mindfulness.  

Day 2 is to list 3 things I am grateful for and then to list 3 goals for the day.  This has been easier for me because I am full of gratitude for the people around me that make my life better.  To know that I am surrounded by people who love and care for me when there are moments I can't find love for myself is often profuse.  I acknowledge the blessings.  The list of 3 goals for the day has been a huge help for me.  I have a gigantic list of things I need to do.  It gets overwhelming.  And when I get overwhelmed, I freeze and almost shut down.  I find it hard to do anything.  Breaking the list into 3 things daily has helped me to tackle my big list and feel more accomplished, which is key for me to be on a path to self-care.  

I know I shouldn't be last on the list of what and who to take care of, but that's just the way things shake out sometimes.  Moms are busy.  And even though I have an active and supportive partner, life is full of things that need to be done before we can play.  Welcome to adulthood, right?  Tackling these to-dos means the clutter in my mind is a little more free to take care of me.  

Day 3:  Affirmations.  I made some affirmations that are relevant to where I am.  It is something I know about myself, something I aspire to be again, and something I need to believe. 

I am kind.  Check.  I know I am kind.  I make it my goal to show kindness.  I am known to say, "It is better to be kind than right."

I am strong. Working on it.  I want to get back to the strong I was and even stronger.  

I am worthy.  Crickets.  I am trying to believe I am worthy.  This one gets me stuck.

Day 4:  Visualize the affirmations.  

I can visualize kindness.  This comes easy to me.  I can see where I show kindness to loved ones, friends and strangers. 

I can visualize strength.  I know what I am working on and where I felt strong before.  I can see the strength of my marathon finish and swimming in the ocean.  I know I will feel this again.

I really have a hard time visualizing worthiness. 

Like really hard time. 

When I try to visualize worthiness, I see myself surrounded by family that loves me. That's my bar.  And I am not feeling very loved by some people in my family right now.  I have been struggling mightily with my relationships with the young adults in my home. 

Part of it is normal.  They are separating and that is awesome.  Launch.  Fly.  Live.  

I want that for them.  

Part of it is the boys were modeled showing me disrespect and contempt for years/decades by someone that I no longer have a relationship with.  And even though they see my current husband showing me love and respect, despite normal marriage quirks, what they saw for a long time, of course, made an impact.  It requires a lot of thought and intention to change learned behavior.  I am not sure kids in their young 20s have the inclination or the self awareness to even stay on that path.  I am hopeful that the kindness I continue to show, despite their eye-rolls and grumbles and complaints, will model the better behavior as their lives progress and self awareness grows within them.  

So: worthiness. 

I spoke with my therapist about this.  I just can't visualize how I am worthy.  When he and I spoke, he made me realize the issue is I seek my worthiness from those around me and not from within. 

In my head I know I do good things and I do them for the right reasons.  I give without wanting back.  I want to take care of my fellow man/woman/child.  I strive to put good out in the world.  I show grace to people in their human-ness.    

And yet I still can't see it.  I get stuck at worthiness.

I don't know if it's because the messages I heard from my upbringing and my past life make it hard to see.  I know the words still haunt me.  

"She's the beauty.  You are the brains."

"I wouldn't waste myself on you."

"I never wanted you."

-Me walking through my mom's house and seeing every picture of me and my family taken down as she gleefully points to my brothers and sister and their families on her wall-

Clearly being loved and accepted by family is important to me.  Somewhere along the way I need to see what I bring to this world and start believing in my own worthiness.  I need to find the visual that I can access and remember when I am trying to change my perspective and find self-love.  It's hard work. 

In the meantime, I continue with my days.  Practice makes perfect. 

Day 5: Read.  I am happy to add even 10 minutes of reading to my day.

Day 6:  Exercise.  Today I did some stretching because I had to get to work early and  I had some kinks to work out.  Light yoga for the win.

Day 7:  Journal.  I am hoping this will help me get unstuck a little more. 

And then I put it all together.  

I do get stuck at worthiness.  But this journey is about growth.  I am hoping to soon be able to see the images of my worthiness in my mind.  This starts with mindfulness.  I aim to be aware and listen to my thoughts and accept my feelings and do what I can to change the ones that hold me back into something that will help propel me forward.  

Body Image and Learning to Love Myself

I spent a weekend away with my sister and our friend a couple of weeks ago.  The plan was to slumber party at a hotel with a pool and fruity drinks.  Check!  We did just that.  It was what I needed to let my spine unwind after a really hard few months.  

As I packed my bags, my main worry was what do I wear to the pool.  I am 100 pounds overweight.  It's hard to put out there, but it's the truth.  I swim every weekend at the beach in a wetsuit.  Under the wetsuit, I wear a swim skirt bottom and a bikini top.  But it's covered.  I have been trying to work on body acceptance, as I work to lose weight, knowing that I have done big things-even in this big body.  That's not to say I don't want to lose it; I really do.  In the meantime, I know I can't beat myself up everyday and I need to learn to love myself.  

So back to the bathing suit at the pool with a fruity drink question....my suits in the past have been cute.  I worked with what I had-which was a lot-haha!  I wasn't sure they fit the way they were supposed to anymore and it was too depressing to try them all on.  The suit I wear to the beach on Sundays feels like a workout uniform.  I am comfortable in it to a point...and it's when I am surrounded by like-minded people.  When I am at the beach on Sundays, I am able to push past the fact that I am the big girl on the beach.  We are there to swim.  It's part of the exercise I have been working on in my brain about self-acceptance.  I have also been wearing the same thing with this group for awhile, so it wasn't scary anymore.  I have been starting to branch out to try it more often....Chris and I have been going to the beach together and I have been wearing one of my two-piece suits to get more comfortable in my own skin.  Again, working on self-acceptance.  And I am with my husband who loves me and thinks I am beautiful, even when I can't see it.  It's a cute suit.  I wore it in Hawaii when I weighed less and was more fit.  It's the suit I choose for my weekend getaway.

The people I am with on the weekend getaway love me and I love them.  It's still hard to not feel self-conscious when I am trying something new in front of new people.  You know the way we talk to ourselves--we are never good enough or look like we want to.  And when you pair that with being with people you think are beautiful and are closer to what you want to look like, that's where the feelings of shame start to come in.  

I wore it anyway.  I was in a pool with other people (I don't care about what strangers think of me) and two people I care about: exposing my fat, pale belly and my jiggly back in a two piece swimming suit.  You know what happened?  Nothing.  They told me my suit was cute.  Even when I tried to downplay the cuteness of it because it was on my fat body.  And then we sat in the pool and chatted all day.  My body was a non-issue.  

Do you want to know what else happened?  I realized we all have our own body image issues.  My sister, who is someone I look up to for her dedication to her morning workouts and her discipline, has her own voices telling her different things than I would tell her.  My friend...she battles body image because she just faced a health battle that left her feeling less than the person I and everyone around her sees.  These two women are beautiful and strong and amazing.  And just like me, they see something else when looking in the mirror.  We need to be kinder to ourselves.  

Part of learning to love myself is knowing where I need to make some changes.  I am sick of where I am.  I decided to pursue weight loss surgery.  It's a hot topic among people and everyone has big opinions about it.  I have tried so many things: weight watchers, high protein/low carb, calorie counting, counting macros, plant-based, carb cycling.  It's time for me to consult with a doctor.  I am doing that at the end of the month.  It's not a quick fix.  It's not a short cut.  It's what I need to do right now.  Previously my blood work always came back clear.  Now it is something I need to pay more attention to.  I don't know if it is the stress of this year or my diet or what, but now is the time for a physician intervention.  Now it is time for me to make some hard decisions that will help my overall health and these decisions are scary to me.   

There are a lot of naysayers...people gain all the weight back, why not with diet and exercise, etc?  Here is the thing:  not everyone gains the weight back.  I will still watch my diet and exercise.  I just need some additional help.  I am working with a therapist to battle "fat brain" and issues of deprivation and how to handle the social aspect of food ahead of time so I am equipped emotionally and mentally for what's ahead.  I know it won't be easy. 

What do I need from you, my friends and family?  I need you to support me, no matter what you have heard about it second-hand.  This is going to require discipline and that's something I struggle with.  Encouragement...when life changes are happening, encouragement is key for me.  I have already weighed my options and made a decision.  The rest is between me and my doctor.  

I am working on my body image.  Part of that is going to be getting myself back to a healthier place.  I want to look at the person I see in the mirror and not wince.  I want to feel strong and run and feel accomplished by what my body can do again.  I want to love myself. 

I am a Mom above everything

I am exhausted. 

Today marks the day my son comes home from the rehab center, after having a brain tumor removed two weeks ago.  He is walking.  He is talking.  He is getting stronger everyday.  For that, I am eternally grateful.  Two weeks ago I was beyond fearful I would never hug him again.  Today he is laughing and we are making jokes and he is tentatively checking to see what things he can do around the house. And now I can rest. 

I can rest. 

I can eat without getting an upset stomach.

I can plan my week.

I can clean the mess on my kitchen table. 

I can put away laundry. 

I can self-care. 

There is still a long road ahead of us, but I feel lighter.  There are no longer tears, just waiting for the moment to take over and fall out of my eyes.  My breath doesn't catch, fearful of what news a phone call from the doctors will bring.  

Of course every procedure is a risk.  I can only say that the things he went through are much more serious than we ever could imagine and we are very lucky with the outcome.  Ignorance was bliss two weeks ago.  I am not sure I would have been ok going home after the surgery if I knew then what I know now.  His neurosurgeon is definitely at the top of my favorite persons list now. 

Now that I can breathe a little easier, it is clear that I am a Mom above everything else.  When my kids are in distress, I am in distress.  We have had a few months of distress.  The plan for me now:  to get rest, to meal plan and get back to health, to exercise, to clean up some areas in my home.  It's the end of June.  July 1 marks the start of the second half of the year.  With that in mind, the second half of my year is for this mom to put some care into other parts of her life that matter.  

In an airplane, the flight attendant tells us in the event of an emergency to put the mask of oxygen on our face before helping anyone around us with theirs.  I can say with certainty that I have not been breathing the oxygen before taking care of those around me.  And it all fell to shit.  My house was in such a state that I hired a housekeeper to come and help me out of the funk.  I stopped sleeping through the night and that meant my daily walks at the lake with my sweet pal, Eugene, fell to the wayside at least half the time, since I wasn't sleeping well and couldn't wake up early enough.  And there were constant tears.  My heart was feeling ripped out of my chest and I was always so tired.  I clearly need to make some changes. 

There are dozens of articles about moms putting a backseat to their own health to take care of those around them.  It's not something we do just to do.  Sometimes it doesn't feel like there are enough hours in the day to care for ourselves.  More times than not, at least for me, I just didn't have the energy for self-care after everyone else was cared for.  I do know that I am a better mom when I have had rest and some exercise and even some time for a pedicure.  

So now it starts.  I am not going to feel guilty for taking time to go for a quick run.  Those miles won't get easier on their own.  I am not going to feel guilty for anything I do.  I know that we have some tough days ahead (I keep saying this!).  Taking care of my kids is a top priority, even though they are young adults.  Taking care of myself will help me to take care of them. And it's not a bad lesson for them to learn...that self-care is essential.  I am a mom above everything.  I can show them being a mom is more than about fretting over the hard stuff.  It's also showing them that every aspect of health matters.  It's also showing them that I have the self-respect to matter, too. 

Ch-ch-changes

What a crazy few weeks it has been.  

Ryan is recovering well from his brain surgery.  He is now in a rehab center, getting stronger everyday and regaining movement.  It's hard to believe that just a week ago, they were waking him from sedation after being on a vent overnight.

That's really the best news.  My son is on his way to healing.  The rest of it?  We will handle.  We are working on having lots of patience as he works through what he experienced and the after-effects.  Like they say on Big Thunder Mountain in Disneyland, "It's the Wildest Ride in The Wilderness." 

The other big news is I have a new job.  I loved my previous community and the residents-boy did I love those people.  The problem was I had an abusive boss and he was doing illegal things.  The details of it are going to be handled in the eye of the law, but let's just say that a lot of my stress and health issues were the result of his constant harassment.  So, I found another community and gave my notice. The unfortunate part is that the community and the care were really lovely, until I was faced with the underbelly of ugliness.  It's like a pretty palace but underneath the beauty of what is on the surface is a dungeon full of disgusting creatures and things that will harm you.  I know the residents are well taken care of.  There are people there who really care about what they do.  The problem is towards staff who he decides to target (usually women over 50).  The bigger problem is the company that manages the community is letting him get away with his abuse, despite knowing what he has done with no repercussions and the owners have put their support behind him.  He is like the ringmaster, manipulating all of those around him.  I am hopeful the legal proceedings will awaken them to his insidious actions.  

The new place is just wonderful.  The team is genuine and I love being there everyday.  Soon enough, I will be back with some fun senior stories and before you know it, we will have a Celebrate Senior Walk there, as well. 

More than anything, I am exhausted.  And I am so grateful.  The support from our friends and family has sustained us.  I am ready for the kids to be hospital-free forever after this.

Lifting the veil-baring it all!

So I came forward as suffering through depression last week.  I have mild or what is classified as situational depression (as opposed to clinical depression).  I don't always handle traumatic events well.  And, since my life has been a series of traumatic events--abusive childhood, abusive marriage with my kids having a front seat of my being treated poorly by my ex-husband, troublesome work environments, my kid having a brain tumor....throw in my brother dying by suicide when I was in my 30s and my sons being afflicted by their own mental health issues...well, you would think I would be a pro at handling them by now.  I am not.  Not by any stretch of the imagination.  

For so long I have had to just get through it.  Deal with it.  Put on my big girl panties and buck up.  I was a kid and a teenager dealing with my crazy mother.  I just had to graduate from high school and then I was out of there...onto college and away from her.  I was a married woman with young children when I was hit with my ex-husband's actions and my brother's suicide, all in the same time frame.  I moved across country to start a new life.  And then I was a single mom with two precious boys to care for when we didn't know which way was up.  

There was never the time or the support in my corner to learn how to live through these traumatic things that have happened.  I had to plow through and take care of everyone and everything around me.

But now?  I have a supportive partner.  This alone means I can now learn some healthy ways to live through the moments of depression and take the time I need to cry and rant and then do whatever I need to change the channel and manage the big feelings in a productive way.  

I am generally a happy person.  I love doing new things and finding new adventures to experience.  I am happy for those around me who have happiness and success.  Someone else' success and happiness does not take away from mine.  I love my family.  I love my friends.  I love the things I do.  And I feel things in a big way.  I can feel the energy in a room and with a person and it envelops me.  I am a bit empathic that way.  I am a lot empathic that way, if I were to be honest.  I smile through the days and laugh through the tough times, no matter what is going on around me-until I can't and then it's tears all day.  In my older age, I find I am hiding the hard times less and less. 

Situational depression is defined as a short-term form of depression that occurs as the result of a traumatic event or change in a person’s life. Situational depression stems from a struggle to come to terms with dramatic life changes. Recovery is possible once an individual comes to terms with a new situation.

Symptoms can include:

• listlessness
• feelings of hopelessness and sadness
• sleeping difficulties
• frequent episodes of crying
• unfocused anxiety and worry
• loss of concentration
• withdrawal from normal activities as well as from family and friends
• suicidal thoughts

When traumatic events happen in my life, I first deal with the situation at hand.  I handle the details and whatever needs to be done.  And then I start to feel the heaviness and the darkness.  I am currently working with a therapist I trust so that I have the tools to change the channel on the dark thoughts that enter my mind and recognize the truth of what is happening...that it is is not as heavy as it feels and there are good things that I am not always seeing at the moment.  

Cognitive Therapy is a type of psychotherapy in which negative patterns of thought about the self and the world are challenged in order to alter unwanted behavior patterns or treat mood disorders such as depression.  

Usually when my "mood guy" and I meet, he is able to identify that which I don't want to address pretty quickly.  I like that he calls me on my bullshit and we go back to talk about it and I inevitably end up crying about the pain I don't want to face-or haven't had the tools to face in the past.  He also gets me to laugh about something eventually and I can see where my life isn't as upside down and dark as it feels.  

For all of the darkness, I have never gotten to the place of making plans to take my life, as some of those close to me have. There have been moments, however, that I just didn't want to exist.  There have been moments where I wanted a car accident to occur and not survive.  Or that I wanted a gigantic sinkhole to swallow me up.  I wanted the pain to end.  I wanted to not feel like the world around me was so dark.  I was afraid to admit these thoughts to my therapist.  He took note of them and didn't judge me and then we found ways to get me out of this space.  

There are 3 big things that are really affecting me lately.  One, of course, is my son's upcoming brain surgery.  There is a lot of fear associated with this.  But, I find that I now have more tools to keep my thoughts in a better place.  Having some additional information at my disposal has helped, as well.  The other two things:  I have a plan in place for one and I got some great news today that will take care of the other. Things are falling into place....and I now have the tools to live through these events presently and in a healthy way.  

I know that there are going to be traumatic events to come.  Bad things just happen and it is a part of life.  But now?  I am starting to learn some tools to manage them better so that I no longer get caught up in a whirlwind of ugly feelings.  

I've been saying there is light at the end of the tunnel-all year long, as we have lived through the pandemic and quarantine.  I am starting to see it again.  Darkness no longer consumes me.  

Cognitive Therapy works.  I'm grateful for my mood guy and our time together where he helps me to see things in a brighter light.  

It's hard to find a therapist that fits.  A good resource I found is:  www.psychologytoday.com.  There are filters where you can enter your insurance and your city.  Then you can read the bios to find out their specialties.  You can email them from the site to find out if they are accepting new patients and they will contact you.  I found my guy this way.  #ForeverGrateful

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

A cyber ransomware attack has sidelined our entire life, for the moment.  It's hard.  We have no answers.  We are waiting on the issue to be resolved so we can move forward.  He needs his surgery.  Although the tumor is benign, it is still growing.  I am finding that I didn't have all of the information and what I am discovering is scary.  Of course I googled the tumor and and tried to find out everything I could...but Ryan is an adult and in charge of his own information, so the data we received from him was often lacking.  We don't know if he was having memory loss from the tumor or if he was trying to shield us from the truth.  I am guessing a little bit of both.  

What I have found out:

1.  The tumor continues to grow.  

2.  Had this not been discovered, it would have killed him in the next 1-5 years.  Ummm...terrifying.

3.  He will likely suffer some paralysis after surgery in his legs and will need to relearn to walk in a rehab facility afterwards.  Apparently this is normal and the brain is pretty elastic, so it "bounces back" quickly.  I sure hope so.  

In the meantime, I have been unwittingly hanging out with the ex-husband.  Our split and divorce was contentious, to say the least.  Abuse and infidelity will cripple even the strongest people.  It brought me to my knees.  We haven't exchanged many kind words in the 11 years of being apart.  I have always hoped for a friendly co-parenting partner and we just never got there.  We still struggle to communicate productively, but it is getting better.  This week there is even funny banter that recognizes what assholes we can be to each other, with a little half smile.  It's been nice to not hate him.  It's been nice to joke around.  I see the person I thought he was when we met, starting to peek out. 

I keep reminding the kids that their dad traveled halfway across the country to be here and they need to make a bigger effort to hang out with him.  Today Trev and I had pool time at the hotel with John.  It's a swanky place and it was fun to relax a little bit.  We are all so tightly wound up waiting for any news after being so tightly wound up in anticipation of the surgery.  Ryan took the day to rest.  It is taking a toll on him.  After I went home, the boys and their dad had dinner....and then I offered to be their personal Uber because they wanted to grab a drink at a micro brewery in the area.  I was so happy for them to be able to do this.  First of all, anything we can do to take a breath while we wait is going to be good for everyone.  And secondly, if we can show the kids that we can extend kindness and make it easier for the other parent to do something good with them, then it's a win on all accounts.  They seem to be happier that we can co-exist in the same space.  I imagine it hasn't been easy to watch the bloodshed over the years.  

The silver lining in the delay is there has been time and space to create some healing between everyone while we wait.  Things are more relaxed between me and Ryan. Trevor is coming back down to earth.  The influx of emotions while we learn to deal with the surgery and then the waiting was overwhelming for everyone.  The adults take deep breaths and try to remember that this has nothing to do with us personally and there is real fear and anger and anticipation all rolled up in the not-yet-developed brains of these young 20-somethings.  I am doing A LOT of deep breathing. 

Waiting sucks.  There is no other way to say it.  We have loose plans on what we will do, once we find the dates.  John can only do so much juggling with his schedule and resources with the plane ticket and hotel stays.  At the very least, we are hoping for some more answers by Tuesday.  We try to remind ourselves it is all out of our control and we just have to hold on for the ride.  

I want off. 

On Grief and Gratitude

4 days and counting to the biggest day of this year.  I am full of grief and gratitude, all at the same time.  I had a full blown panic attack last week.  When I am overwhelmed, I freeze.  I have been frozen in despair for the last few weeks.  One day last week, I was very proud of myself for getting up and taking Eugene to the lake for a walk after my doctor's appt.  I was on my way with him to Starbucks for a caffeine boost for myself, since I am not sleeping, and a puppacino for him, because he is just awesome.  As I am driving, I have the worst thoughts and I am overcome with sadness and grief and every bad raw emotion I could have.  I started to wonder if this is the last week of my son's life.  I couldn't even fathom the thought and here it was consuming me. What if... I started to heave and cry the ugliest tears I have ever cried and I couldn't breathe.  I finally get myself somewhat together to get through the drive-thru with my mask on and tears in my eyes.  The sweet barista showed great care with me.  I started to be overwhelmed with sadness and fear again, so I pulled into a spot and looked for someone in my phone to call.  I knew I was going down a black hole.  I called my sister and she was at work.  My husband was in the middle of teaching a class.  And then I called my ex-husband.  Well, that was a mistake.  He wasn't helpful and was pretty condescending.  So then I somehow had the wherewithal to call the single best person to get me breathing and eventually laughing again and in the middle of it all he managed to get me to give myself a little bit of grace.  I was full of grief and then just like that, full of gratitude. 

I am surrounded by good people.  

My sister started a meal train to help us not have to think about just one more thing during the day while we help Ryan recover.  And now it is full.  And people are still being so so so kind and sending us gift cards to help.  Another neighbor friend dropped off a lasagna this afternoon to help nourish my family while we wait this week out.  My friends hug me and let me cry for a minute and then they hold my hands and tell me to feel the positive energy they are sending to me because I feel too weak to find it on my own.  My friends take me out for an evening of normalcy so I can forget for a few hours that I have been living in fear and grief.  I get to be surrounded by the goodness of people in the ocean's healing water and laugh for a little while and not feel like my whole world will crumble if there is a slip of a hand.  Everyone is on standby to offer me love and support while I love and support my son, in whatever way he will let me.  My husband silently falls in, trying to not say the wrong thing or do something insensitive--my therapist reminds me that men converse for information and women converse for emotion (mind blown on this crazy realization)--he follows my lead on whatever I may need at the moment and is by my side.  

I am full of gratitude. 

I am trying to be kind to myself.  I am trying to show grace to the kid and whatever is being fired my way because of the tumor and executive functions and all that.  I am trying to navigate my own health issues, as well.  

And I am trying to put those ugly and non-productive thoughts out of my head.  A wise person told me I can't obsess over things I cannot control.  So I am breathing and making lists to obsess over things I can control.  There isn't much, to tell you the truth.  The next few days will be about some serious self-care and Ryan-care when he needs it from me, and taking care of my medical stuff before I focus on everything medical for him. 

I find it interesting how grief and gratitude both consume me lately.  The definition of grief is deep sorrow.  Check.  It's hard to get those ugly feelings out of my head sometimes.  I mean, there is real fear based on something that happened in our family just a few short years ago.  But I am trying to replace the grief with gratitude in the meantime.  This is where Yoda says:  Do or Don't, there is no Try.  

I read an article today from Berkeley about how gratitude changes your brain.  Basically, gratitude separates us from toxic emotions, and has lasting, positive effects on the brain and improves mental health over the long-term.  To me this means I need to be present in the moment and recognize and express gratitude to all of the people around me who are showing support to me and my family.  It means not apologizing for bothering "you" but instead saying, "thank you."  I can do this.  I will do this. 

My brother and I were talking recently and he is so wise.  I wish I appreciated his wisdom when I was a young, entitled 20-something living in his home when I was trying to start a new life (sound familiar?-ugh).  He told me about a book that was gifted to him that essentially said we need to routinely start adding things that bring us joy to our day.  My husband and I agreed this is something we are going to do.  Today that meant swimming in the ocean.  Tomorrow it will mean taking a walk and doing some painting.  I will make myself a schedule, because it is something I can control and obsess over, and find things that bring me joy to add to my daily routine.  I am grateful for the wise words and care from my brother.

Right now, I can see my bottle of water, pictures of my family on my wall, a treadmill in the corner of the living room, a fan, my television that is not on.  Right now, I can touch the kleenex box next to me, the blanket on my lap, the pillow under my arm and the computer keys.  Right now, I can hear my sweet pup snoring, I can hear the television in the next room and I can hear the cars driving on the street outside.  Right now, I can smell nothing.  The air is neutral--and with the animals, this is a good thing!  Right now, I can taste my own saliva, as I try to take a deep breath and calm my racing heart.  

Things I am grateful for:  my family, my pup Eugene, the tribe of friends I am so fortunate to have in my corner, prayers that are being said as we speak for the health of my son (who I love with my entire self), good insurance for both me and Ryan so we can get both of ourselves healthy again.

Things I find joy in:  the angel that came in the form of a pup named Eugene, swimming in the ocean, salted caramel lattes, holding my husband's hand, watching a tv show or movie with Trevor and just laughing, working on my paint-by-numbers project, knitting, really tight hugs, listening to my friends sing and rap a song out of nowhere.  I have awesome friends.  

All of a sudden I am breathing a little easier.  I am not crying anymore and I am even smiling a little bit.  

4 more days.  And then my son will be on the road to recovery.