Learning How to Receive

I have been very open about the fact that it was a tough year for us.  We were blessed enough that although I was without employment for 8 months, Chris was teaching the entire time.  We scaled back quite a bit and tightened up our spending.  We always had a full pantry and freezer, so it was hard but never the devastation that others have faced.  We had a lot of support when we needed it and we were very lucky.  

With Christmas upon us, we decided last month that we would have a smaller year.  We prepared the kids and they all agreed that we were grateful for what we had and we didn't need anything.  We let our family and friends know that with the current situation of the pandemic, we would celebrate with them after the holidays and after the lock downs were lifted.  Our plan was to take out our friends and family for one-on-one evening of re-connection later on.  The intention was to appreciate what we had now.  And honestly, there wasn't a lot to spare.  We were coming out of an 8 month hole.  Although we were at peace with our decisions, we definitely missed finding the perfect gift for our friends and family. 

In November, I got my job.  A dream job, really-my professional dream.  With the additional income, we altered our plans and bought some gifts for the kids.  It wasn't the Christmas we normally have, but it was nice to surprise them with a few things.  

They say it's better to give than to receive.  Everyone in my life has a very giving heart.  They volunteer and give as part of their life.  It's second nature.  The truth is, it's hard to receive.  I had a conversation two days ago with someone who prayed to have the heart to receive when the helpers came to her.  When you are so used to giving, and suddenly you have to be on the receiving end, it's not easy to swallow some pride and be humble with grace.  It's definitely something I have had to do.  It's something I need to continue to work on. 

Yesterday I found myself reminding myself to receive with an open and humble heart.  People we love bestowed gift upon gift to us.  People at work were dropping off Christmas blessings wrapped in paper and pretty bows in my office.  My boss bestowed a generous gift to me.  Someone sent me a Secret Santa in the form of a season paid for my running group.  At one point yesterday afternoon, it all felt like so much and I sat at my desk at work with tears in my eyes.  I felt so grateful.  I still do.  Many of these people (not all-my work friends have no way of knowing what we went through for 8 months) knew what our year looked like and still found us worthy of symbols of their love and kindness and thoughtfulness.  Chris and I took a deep breath and looked at each other and accepted the love and gifts with the receiving heart that these blessings deserve.  

It's been a year for the books, for sure.  We were reminded to cherish what is important and to shed the superfluous.  I don't think I will ever take anything for granted ever again.  I know I won't.  I still have a lot to learn about receiving.  It's hard.  But I am more aware of the importance of letting a giver give.  I can't steal anyone's joy in giving because it's hard to receive.  I will look them in the eye and thank them and let them know how important they are to me.  I will have an open and receiving heart.  

One day life will be closer to the normal we are used to.  Until then, I will continue to embrace the lessons that 2020 is forcing me to learn. 

Facing Mortality or Embracing Life's Moments?

A few of my friends know this, but I am terrified of dying.  I've kept this to myself mostly for a long time.  I know it is completely counter to my beliefs as a Christian woman because I do believe in the glory and the peace of heaven and being reunited with my loved ones that have passed before me.  But when I think about it and of not existing, I have a panic attack.  When this happens, Chris comes to me and just holds me and talks to me.  I don't care what he says, he just has to talk.  I need to be distracted from this fear that makes me freeze.  It usually passes and then I try to find peace in prayer, surrounding myself with family, putting good out in the world and deep breathing.  My panic attacks don't last very long and I have been trying very hard to keep them at bay, surrounding myself in peaceful situations.  A friend once told me that she thinks I am afraid because I am not done yet with this world-that I still have so much more to do.  I have been thinking about it since she told me and I think she is right.  Plus, I want to be here for my kids and their future milestones and their future children's milestones.  I think they still need me. 

And then there was COVID.  This is why I stayed in my living room on my own for most of the time since March.  This is why I walked alone with my pup at the lake.  I am not done yet and this pandemic wants so many people to be done.  I knew in my bones that if I contracted this virus that I would be on a vent and that the odds against me surviving were high.  There were some people that scoffed at me and that fear.  They are no longer in my life.  I am overweight and I spent 6 months last year sick with respiratory illness.  I knew I could not be reckless.  Despite conspiracy theories, this is not just the flu.  Thank goodness we have been safe and healthy so far. 

Amid all of these fears, I find myself working in a senior living community where there are varying degrees of health issues from completely healthy to needing more care with cognitive impairment.  I love every minute of it.  I don't think I can even communicate how much I love it.  You would think that with my family's history of Alzheimer's Disease that I would run far away from a memory care area of such a community.  It is my favorite place to visit during the day.  I always try to sneak a quick visit to our memory care unit to say hello and catch some smiles. Of course there are some tough moments in the day when there is confusion, but usually I see joy.

I think my new job is helping me face my fear.  Everyday these amazing people-I like to call them my friends-in the senior community live and laugh and play games and dance to music.  They are at the end of their years and are thriving and enjoying what moments are in our day, in whatever capacity they can.  I don't see fear.  I see smiles.  I see wisdom.  I see sass.  I see humor.  I see grouchiness.  I haven't seen fear yet.  And I haven't had a panic attack about dying since I started working there.  Maybe if I see peace and just daily living for the people who are older than I am more frequently, then I will have more peace as the number of days I have left on this earth decrease.  Maybe I will stop seeing it as facing mortality and start seeing it as embracing life's moments.  

I am working on changing my mindset.  I aim to see the good that happens instead of worrying and wallowing in the unfortunate.  It's not an easy shift but I think it will help me embrace life's moments and to get back to what I have considered my mantra since 2010:  Living instead of existing.  I am getting closer.    #2021MindsetChange