So we found out a surgery date: May 6. I am terrified. And relieved. We have an end date in sight and hopefully we can have this tumor removed and get back to some sort of normalcy. I have to remind myself sometimes that this is in his frontal lobe--the place where cognitive skills and self-monitoring and control of expressions are managed. It is where judgement and impulse control live. If you know anything about my kid, this answers a million questions about the journey we have taken to 24 years old. And then when you add in that the brain isn't done forming at that age, and fear and anger and resentment over whatever thing I have done wrong at the moment, well then you might start to get the picture of the roller-coaster I have been living. I love this kid with every fiber of my being. And I am at a loss so much as to what to do to help him.
May 6.
That date can either be the best date of the year or it can be my worst nightmare. The what-ifs kill me. It wasn't that long ago that we lost someone to a very simple brain surgery procedure. He isn't speaking to me right now and says he won't speak to me again after his surgery. I had some boundaries that were kicked and rolled over and stomped on by someone close to him, so we had to put a stop to it. We are still going to do right by him and take care of him afterwards, even if he says he will never speak to me again. But knowing he might go under and still be hating me and the worst what-ifs in the world having a possibility of happening...well, it is a lot to carry and I do my best to not dwell on it. Sometimes in the quiet of a dinner with my husband, the tears flow while he holds my hand and tells me my son is going to be ok. I pray a lot. I am loving him through all of the hatefulness and the fear he is feeling. It is all I can do--even when I am human and make mistakes.
I don't wish this on anyone.
Please pray. Send every well wish and every good thought to my son. He needs them. We are going to take care of him through the recovery, which may be a long time. I anticipate long days and long nights ahead for us. Maybe we will finally nail down the organization thing.
He has to be ok. He has to. My heart won't be able to take it if he isn't.
