I have a friend who is currently being a warrior through some health stuff. I am amazed at her calmness and peacefulness through some very scary news. I am in awe of it and her, really. I look at the panic and fear that was constantly in my head with Ryan a few months ago and wonder if I could have the same grace as she has, if I were facing the same battles. I don't think I could, although I aspire to it. She shared with me that she is doing the exercises in "The Miracle Morning Routine Journal." Knowing I need to find some peace and balance in my world, I started the routine, as well.
There are 7 steps. For the first week, you do one step and then add the next step the next day. Soon, you have a morning routine full of introspection and intentions. This is all set up to start our day on the right foot.
Day 1 is 10 minutes of silence. Silence is hard. Thoughts run through my head at warp speed. I think about things I need to do, things I need to tell Chris or the kids, what my grocery list or menu needs to include and much more than that. I am not a quiet person. I started getting out of bed, while the rest of the house is asleep, and sitting outside in my backyard. First, I work on breathing. I figure if I could get my breathing deep and refreshing, maybe it will help quiet the noise in my brain. So I sit and I breathe and I listen. I listen to the birds and the cars zipping up and down my street and the jangle of Eugene's name tag against his collar. My friend told me meditating and sitting in silence is an act of listening so that we can hear ourselves or our higher self. The sounds and the lists and the have to dos in my head start to quiet more as the week goes on. It's still not easy.
Today was interesting because I just couldn't get the noise to simmer down. With a weekend away on the horizon, there are a few things to do before it's time to leave. As soon as I started to breathe deeply, I finally heard the birds and the wind and the rustling of the leaves of the trees in my neighborhood. It took some mindfulness.
Day 2 is to list 3 things I am grateful for and then to list 3 goals for the day. This has been easier for me because I am full of gratitude for the people around me that make my life better. To know that I am surrounded by people who love and care for me when there are moments I can't find love for myself is often profuse. I acknowledge the blessings. The list of 3 goals for the day has been a huge help for me. I have a gigantic list of things I need to do. It gets overwhelming. And when I get overwhelmed, I freeze and almost shut down. I find it hard to do anything. Breaking the list into 3 things daily has helped me to tackle my big list and feel more accomplished, which is key for me to be on a path to self-care.
I know I shouldn't be last on the list of what and who to take care of, but that's just the way things shake out sometimes. Moms are busy. And even though I have an active and supportive partner, life is full of things that need to be done before we can play. Welcome to adulthood, right? Tackling these to-dos means the clutter in my mind is a little more free to take care of me.
Day 3: Affirmations. I made some affirmations that are relevant to where I am. It is something I know about myself, something I aspire to be again, and something I need to believe.
I am kind. Check. I know I am kind. I make it my goal to show kindness. I am known to say, "It is better to be kind than right."
I am strong. Working on it. I want to get back to the strong I was and even stronger.
I am worthy. Crickets. I am trying to believe I am worthy. This one gets me stuck.
Day 4: Visualize the affirmations.
I can visualize kindness. This comes easy to me. I can see where I show kindness to loved ones, friends and strangers.
I can visualize strength. I know what I am working on and where I felt strong before. I can see the strength of my marathon finish and swimming in the ocean. I know I will feel this again.
I really have a hard time visualizing worthiness.
Like really hard time.
When I try to visualize worthiness, I see myself surrounded by family that loves me. That's my bar. And I am not feeling very loved by some people in my family right now. I have been struggling mightily with my relationships with the young adults in my home.
Part of it is normal. They are separating and that is awesome. Launch. Fly. Live.
I want that for them.
Part of it is the boys were modeled showing me disrespect and contempt for years/decades by someone that I no longer have a relationship with. And even though they see my current husband showing me love and respect, despite normal marriage quirks, what they saw for a long time, of course, made an impact. It requires a lot of thought and intention to change learned behavior. I am not sure kids in their young 20s have the inclination or the self awareness to even stay on that path. I am hopeful that the kindness I continue to show, despite their eye-rolls and grumbles and complaints, will model the better behavior as their lives progress and self awareness grows within them.
So: worthiness.
I spoke with my therapist about this. I just can't visualize how I am worthy. When he and I spoke, he made me realize the issue is I seek my worthiness from those around me and not from within.
In my head I know I do good things and I do them for the right reasons. I give without wanting back. I want to take care of my fellow man/woman/child. I strive to put good out in the world. I show grace to people in their human-ness.
And yet I still can't see it. I get stuck at worthiness.
I don't know if it's because the messages I heard from my upbringing and my past life make it hard to see. I know the words still haunt me.
"She's the beauty. You are the brains."
"I wouldn't waste myself on you."
"I never wanted you."
-Me walking through my mom's house and seeing every picture of me and my family taken down as she gleefully points to my brothers and sister and their families on her wall-
Clearly being loved and accepted by family is important to me. Somewhere along the way I need to see what I bring to this world and start believing in my own worthiness. I need to find the visual that I can access and remember when I am trying to change my perspective and find self-love. It's hard work.
In the meantime, I continue with my days. Practice makes perfect.
Day 5: Read. I am happy to add even 10 minutes of reading to my day.
Day 6: Exercise. Today I did some stretching because I had to get to work early and I had some kinks to work out. Light yoga for the win.
Day 7: Journal. I am hoping this will help me get unstuck a little more.
And then I put it all together.
I do get stuck at worthiness. But this journey is about growth. I am hoping to soon be able to see the images of my worthiness in my mind. This starts with mindfulness. I aim to be aware and listen to my thoughts and accept my feelings and do what I can to change the ones that hold me back into something that will help propel me forward.
