I know a man who...

I know a man who has lived a life of incredible service to others in everything he does.

I know a man who shows me an astounding example of what it is like to be an attentive father to his kids. 

I know a man who cherishes his life as a husband to his wife and the safe space they have created over 40 years together. 
I know a man who is giddy with excitement at the mere mention of his grandsons. 

I know a man who loves Disney as much as I do.

I know a man who has overcome so much in his life and has provided to those around him so that they didn't have to grow up the way he did. 

I know a man who watched out for me from afar when I was a young child. 

I know a man who, when I was a young adult, took me in with his own young family and tried to mentor me in the ways of the world (but I knew everything there was to know in my twenties--ha!--and although I heard him and apply it now, it took me a couple of decades to get there). 

I know a man who taught me that when I am without a job, it is my job to find a job--this lesson has made it it possible for me to flourish in difficult career moments.  

I know a man who taught me the importance of having adventures and fun times on my days off, instead of letting the world slip by without me participating in it.  This is how I was able to define the second act of my life: as living and not existing.  It wouldn't have happened without his guidance.

This man is my brother.  I am so proud to have him in my life.  There is no other way to say it, really. My brother has been someone I have always watched, sometimes through many miles apart for whatever reason was happening, have a life I aspired to.  We came from the same difficult childhood and found ways to thrive through adversity.  And life has thrown us adversity.  He has always been a bright star for me to follow.  

When we are young, we don't really notice the things that will take on meaning in our lives, as we live it and trudge through the trenches.  It isn't without hindsight that we see things that have shaped us.  He has shaped me in a million and one different ways-in a lot of the positive ways I have been fortunate to steer my days forward.  I am happy that in our adult lives, we can spend time together and laugh and lean on each other.  Knowing he is a phone call away and sometimes closer is salve for my soul.    

I was just reflecting today about how fortunate I am to have this man in my life and in the lives of my children.  

I love you, big brother!

70 pounds gone! And what life is like now...

Since January 9, I have shed 70 lbs that I have carried for far too long. 

Life is really different now and I love it so much more. 

It was 5 years ago, the year of my marathon, that I weighed what I do now.  I was really active and I remember how much I loved running at that time.  I loved it and craved it.  I've missed that version of me-active and enjoying every bit of it. 

A lot has changed in 5 years.  We went through devastation and heartbreak.  We have let go of things and people.  We have built up our life and strengthened the ties to those we cherish even more.  

Amidst that mass of emotional transformation, I also shed 70 lbs of my own body weight.  Since the time of my weight loss surgery and all of the preparation for it in January, I have noticed so many changes in my life and in my confidence.  The way I eat is different, for sure.  The way I see my body is different.  The way I move is different.  More than anything, I have more certainty of my own identity and what I bring to the table.  The transformation was not only on the outside.  Something clicked on the inside, as well, and I suddenly don't question my worth any longer.  

Some things I have noticed:

*Food:  I previously loved the whole ceremony of dining.  I loved being with friends and picking where we will eat after a run or an event.  I enjoyed figuring out what I would bring to delight all of our tastes.  Now?  Although I enjoy a good theme or party as much as anyone else, I am more mindful about what feels good vs what tastes good.  They really go hand-in-hand at this point, but in an entirely different way than they did before. 

Chris and I would stop for food at any whim prior to January.  We knew the best taco shop, Italian restaurant, our favorite pizza or even fast food stop in any location.  We just needed an excuse to not cook and there we were.  We still go out on occasion, but it isn't with the frivolous thought, or rather non-thought, we used previously.  

I cook all the time.  My meals are protein forward with complex carbs (veggies or a nutrient robust, albeit small, salad) as an afterthought.  A favorite in the former life was tacos or pizza.  Now?  Tacos are better with just the filling and pizza feels like a square fitting into a circle inside my abdomen, with the corners poking through just enough to let me know it is there.  A few bites in and the temporary desire for it flees my brain.  Cravings have become more non-existent as the days go on. 

I still can't eat a hamburger or chicken breast.  Something about the texture doesn't quite agree with the new me.  Maybe one day it will work, but not yet.  I do admit to trying once in awhile to see if it changes.  Protein shakes are a normal part of my existence now.  I don't fight it anymore and instead, I enjoy the nourishment and the ease of getting what I need from them, now that I found one that tastes good.  😀 Eating my way through Disneyland is a thing of the past...  

*The way I see my body:  This one is interesting to me.  70 lbs ago, I was round.  And I hated it.  I am still obese and although I look better and feel better, I still have a long way to go.  85 more pounds to go is my long-term goal...although I can and will likely check-in with myself on the journey to see how I feel along the way.  As the weight leaves my body, I remain cognizant of what I still need to do to be the healthiest version of myself.  When I was at this weight 5 years ago, I still hated myself.  I wasn't comfortable in my own skin and constantly focused on what I wasn't.  Today I celebrate the victories.  I am dressing in a more self-assured manner.  There are days I even feel pretty.  And for someone who was told for a long time that I was the smart one and not the pretty one, or that I didn't have the body of a runner, or that I needed my hair to be curled to look nice, this is a big deal.  I am proud of my progress.  

*The way I move:  I am starting to run again.  70 lbs ago it hurt.  At one point I was taking 800 mg of ibuprofen at a time for aches and pains, as if they were pieces of candy.  They made my existence in the big, round body of mine feel like I can make it through the day.  I would go home and slink into the couch, trying to forget what I was able to accomplish in years past.  It added to the hatred I couldn't help but heap on my already fragile psyche.  

Chris and I joined a gym together two weeks ago.  This week alone, I have met a friend before work to learn how to work the weights so that I can get myself into a routine and firm up and strengthen muscles that forgot they were supposed to do something.  I am thisclose to making plans to run in the morning with my beloved soul sisters again.  I am feeling stronger and capable again.  I can't wait to get back to training for a race and learning how to deal with a bike ride on the road so that those lofty goals made with girlfriends while we giggled over whatever we were doing at the time can become reality once more.             

*My own identity and what I bring to the table:  I remember writing last year about how I didn't feel worthy of much of anything.  I just didn't see it through all of the crap I have heard from people who I thought were in my corner for too many years.  Today I know that my weight and the way I look is the least interesting part about me.  The crazy part about this is that it was my focus for so dang long.  It reminds me a little bit of the line in the movie The Help, "You is kind, You is Smart, You is Important."  Somewhere along the way I started to believe it.  I am kind and I am smart and I am important.  I am also realizing it is my place to help spread that to people who have a hard time seeing it in their own existence.  I want the people around me to see their importance in not only the world and in their own life, but also mine.  

Everything feels so different than it did 6 months ago.  I am excited about the changes and ready to continue evolving.  

And don't be surprised if I remind you along the way that you are important!  💖

Happy

 Everyone said it would pass.  And it has.

The past year was full of ups and downs and gains and losses.  My boys went and came back.  The going was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life.  It wasn’t the natural launch.  It was fraught with bad feelings and lack of communication.  My heart was as broken as it ever was without them in it.  I felt like I was living my mother’s life-with her children not talking to her as she aged.  And the prospect of having the same fate just broke me open.  I cried, no-I sobbed everyday for months.

Of course as with everything, I find that children breaking away in a hard way is as normal with other families as the rest of my life, which I always thought of being as different from everyone else.  But the point is: they are back and talking to me everyday and we are having meals together and having fun days at Disneyland again.  A year ago, I wasn’t sure it would ever happen again. 

Yesterday Trevor and I spent the day at Disneyland.  When I say we laughed all day long, I mean we laughed all day long.  It started with breakfast at Storytellers Cafe.  We saw Chip and Dale and Minnie and Mickey and Pluto.  We hugged them and talked to them and reveled in our memories together of the past decade at Disneyland.  We watched kids get so excited about the possibility of meeting their favorites.  We ate good food—I tasted bites of food and he ate good food is the more honest truth :)  — and we had conversations about everything and nothing at all.  When Trevor picked up the check because he wanted to treat me on my birthday (he, in fact, bought my lunch later as well), I was equal parts excited and impressed.     

We spent a lot of time in Fantasyland because some of my favorite parts of Disneyland are in the heart of the Happiest Place on Earth.  And then we spent the rest of the day in Galaxy’s Edge, the Star Wars land part of the park.  We are both Star Wars nerds and we just love being there.  I found myself on the receiving end of a detailed explanation of the history of the Sith. Trev is reading a trilogy about it and he had my full attention as he explained a part of the Star Wars history I had no idea about.  More than anything, I was interested in his take on things and I loved hearing that 1. He is reading again (for years he always had his nose in a book.  It has changed a little bit over the years) and 2. If my kids are interested in something, it interests me.  Giving me a look inside their brains and hearts is the most fascinating thing I am allowed.  I don’t care what the story is or the meme they want to show me-moments can be fleeting and I am here to catch and hold onto every single one.  It was in these breathings, I realized we had to go through the last year to get to where we are now. 

It’s not just things with Trevor that are better-it’s better with all of the kids.  I see them flourishing in their lives.  We talk and make plans.  I am so happy to see brightness in their eyes and smiles and laughs in their days.  The darkness is gone.  I am no longer consumed with fears everyday of What Ifs?  Yesterday with Trevor was an example of how far things have come in a year.  

With the boys back in the fold, there is more peace and levity in my days in every aspect.  I have noticed it’s been progressively more peaceful and fun since the beginning of the new year.  I laugh more.  My laughs are big belly laughs.  I feel joy.  I smile.  I am enjoying every moment with those whom I surround myself.  I am playing with my husband and with my friends.  And when we need to rest, we rest.  We are finally back to living and not merely existing.  

My friend mentioned to me the other day that it has been noticeable.  That makes me happy too.  I know it was noticeable to everyone when I was sad.  For it to be noticeable when I am feeling contented as well, shows balance.  There is a Sith/Jedi- dark side/light side correlation in there somewhere  😊

Part of the tranquility comes from letting go of the things and the people who dragged me down and made me feel less than.  During the times of disconnect with the kids, my little sister would remind me that I was a good mom and I was a good person and to not let their inconsiderate and sometimes mean words and actions get to me.  I have always had a difficult time believing in myself.  That’s what happens when your lifetime is spent with the wrong people.  I believe in myself now. 

I am a good mom.

I am a good sister.

I was a good daughter.

I am a good wife. 

I am a good friend. 

I am a good employee. 

I am a good person.

No matter the circumstances or if someone is mad at me or if there are tough times surrounding people or how I look or how much I weigh, I am valuable and I am deserving of good things and good people to be in my life.  And quite frankly, they are just as lucky to have me.  I am a good person to have in your corner.  

Whoa,  That’s a lot to unpack, isn’t it?

With all the good that has happened, there are some people and things that were sad to let go of, but that is a thought for another time…right now I am focused on the good stuff.

I was layed up for a couple of weeks in January for my weight loss surgery.  I was frightened and nervous and although it is good now, it was hard for a little while.  The girl who never knew how much she was loved would have been floored by the amount of compassion I was shown during this time.  And intellectually, I should know better.  I am a smart woman.  But deep in my heart is still that little girl who sometimes can’t believe that people really care that much.  I was texted and called and visited and messaged to check on how I was feeling.  It made an impression on my heart that will never disappear.  Never.  As my friend said when we were talking about this the other day, along with letting go of some of the physical weight, I am also letting go of the other trappings that weighed me down.  It’s been really freeing.  

I was shown that people really do love me. 

And then I started to love myself. 

All of that love is enough to make anyone feel happy.