I am a Mom above everything

I am exhausted. 

Today marks the day my son comes home from the rehab center, after having a brain tumor removed two weeks ago.  He is walking.  He is talking.  He is getting stronger everyday.  For that, I am eternally grateful.  Two weeks ago I was beyond fearful I would never hug him again.  Today he is laughing and we are making jokes and he is tentatively checking to see what things he can do around the house. And now I can rest. 

I can rest. 

I can eat without getting an upset stomach.

I can plan my week.

I can clean the mess on my kitchen table. 

I can put away laundry. 

I can self-care. 

There is still a long road ahead of us, but I feel lighter.  There are no longer tears, just waiting for the moment to take over and fall out of my eyes.  My breath doesn't catch, fearful of what news a phone call from the doctors will bring.  

Of course every procedure is a risk.  I can only say that the things he went through are much more serious than we ever could imagine and we are very lucky with the outcome.  Ignorance was bliss two weeks ago.  I am not sure I would have been ok going home after the surgery if I knew then what I know now.  His neurosurgeon is definitely at the top of my favorite persons list now. 

Now that I can breathe a little easier, it is clear that I am a Mom above everything else.  When my kids are in distress, I am in distress.  We have had a few months of distress.  The plan for me now:  to get rest, to meal plan and get back to health, to exercise, to clean up some areas in my home.  It's the end of June.  July 1 marks the start of the second half of the year.  With that in mind, the second half of my year is for this mom to put some care into other parts of her life that matter.  

In an airplane, the flight attendant tells us in the event of an emergency to put the mask of oxygen on our face before helping anyone around us with theirs.  I can say with certainty that I have not been breathing the oxygen before taking care of those around me.  And it all fell to shit.  My house was in such a state that I hired a housekeeper to come and help me out of the funk.  I stopped sleeping through the night and that meant my daily walks at the lake with my sweet pal, Eugene, fell to the wayside at least half the time, since I wasn't sleeping well and couldn't wake up early enough.  And there were constant tears.  My heart was feeling ripped out of my chest and I was always so tired.  I clearly need to make some changes. 

There are dozens of articles about moms putting a backseat to their own health to take care of those around them.  It's not something we do just to do.  Sometimes it doesn't feel like there are enough hours in the day to care for ourselves.  More times than not, at least for me, I just didn't have the energy for self-care after everyone else was cared for.  I do know that I am a better mom when I have had rest and some exercise and even some time for a pedicure.  

So now it starts.  I am not going to feel guilty for taking time to go for a quick run.  Those miles won't get easier on their own.  I am not going to feel guilty for anything I do.  I know that we have some tough days ahead (I keep saying this!).  Taking care of my kids is a top priority, even though they are young adults.  Taking care of myself will help me to take care of them. And it's not a bad lesson for them to learn...that self-care is essential.  I am a mom above everything.  I can show them being a mom is more than about fretting over the hard stuff.  It's also showing them that every aspect of health matters.  It's also showing them that I have the self-respect to matter, too. 

Ch-ch-changes

What a crazy few weeks it has been.  

Ryan is recovering well from his brain surgery.  He is now in a rehab center, getting stronger everyday and regaining movement.  It's hard to believe that just a week ago, they were waking him from sedation after being on a vent overnight.

That's really the best news.  My son is on his way to healing.  The rest of it?  We will handle.  We are working on having lots of patience as he works through what he experienced and the after-effects.  Like they say on Big Thunder Mountain in Disneyland, "It's the Wildest Ride in The Wilderness." 

The other big news is I have a new job.  I loved my previous community and the residents-boy did I love those people.  The problem was I had an abusive boss and he was doing illegal things.  The details of it are going to be handled in the eye of the law, but let's just say that a lot of my stress and health issues were the result of his constant harassment.  So, I found another community and gave my notice. The unfortunate part is that the community and the care were really lovely, until I was faced with the underbelly of ugliness.  It's like a pretty palace but underneath the beauty of what is on the surface is a dungeon full of disgusting creatures and things that will harm you.  I know the residents are well taken care of.  There are people there who really care about what they do.  The problem is towards staff who he decides to target (usually women over 50).  The bigger problem is the company that manages the community is letting him get away with his abuse, despite knowing what he has done with no repercussions and the owners have put their support behind him.  He is like the ringmaster, manipulating all of those around him.  I am hopeful the legal proceedings will awaken them to his insidious actions.  

The new place is just wonderful.  The team is genuine and I love being there everyday.  Soon enough, I will be back with some fun senior stories and before you know it, we will have a Celebrate Senior Walk there, as well. 

More than anything, I am exhausted.  And I am so grateful.  The support from our friends and family has sustained us.  I am ready for the kids to be hospital-free forever after this.

Lifting the veil-baring it all!

So I came forward as suffering through depression last week.  I have mild or what is classified as situational depression (as opposed to clinical depression).  I don't always handle traumatic events well.  And, since my life has been a series of traumatic events--abusive childhood, abusive marriage with my kids having a front seat of my being treated poorly by my ex-husband, troublesome work environments, my kid having a brain tumor....throw in my brother dying by suicide when I was in my 30s and my sons being afflicted by their own mental health issues...well, you would think I would be a pro at handling them by now.  I am not.  Not by any stretch of the imagination.  

For so long I have had to just get through it.  Deal with it.  Put on my big girl panties and buck up.  I was a kid and a teenager dealing with my crazy mother.  I just had to graduate from high school and then I was out of there...onto college and away from her.  I was a married woman with young children when I was hit with my ex-husband's actions and my brother's suicide, all in the same time frame.  I moved across country to start a new life.  And then I was a single mom with two precious boys to care for when we didn't know which way was up.  

There was never the time or the support in my corner to learn how to live through these traumatic things that have happened.  I had to plow through and take care of everyone and everything around me.

But now?  I have a supportive partner.  This alone means I can now learn some healthy ways to live through the moments of depression and take the time I need to cry and rant and then do whatever I need to change the channel and manage the big feelings in a productive way.  

I am generally a happy person.  I love doing new things and finding new adventures to experience.  I am happy for those around me who have happiness and success.  Someone else' success and happiness does not take away from mine.  I love my family.  I love my friends.  I love the things I do.  And I feel things in a big way.  I can feel the energy in a room and with a person and it envelops me.  I am a bit empathic that way.  I am a lot empathic that way, if I were to be honest.  I smile through the days and laugh through the tough times, no matter what is going on around me-until I can't and then it's tears all day.  In my older age, I find I am hiding the hard times less and less. 

Situational depression is defined as a short-term form of depression that occurs as the result of a traumatic event or change in a person’s life. Situational depression stems from a struggle to come to terms with dramatic life changes. Recovery is possible once an individual comes to terms with a new situation.

Symptoms can include:

• listlessness
• feelings of hopelessness and sadness
• sleeping difficulties
• frequent episodes of crying
• unfocused anxiety and worry
• loss of concentration
• withdrawal from normal activities as well as from family and friends
• suicidal thoughts

When traumatic events happen in my life, I first deal with the situation at hand.  I handle the details and whatever needs to be done.  And then I start to feel the heaviness and the darkness.  I am currently working with a therapist I trust so that I have the tools to change the channel on the dark thoughts that enter my mind and recognize the truth of what is happening...that it is is not as heavy as it feels and there are good things that I am not always seeing at the moment.  

Cognitive Therapy is a type of psychotherapy in which negative patterns of thought about the self and the world are challenged in order to alter unwanted behavior patterns or treat mood disorders such as depression.  

Usually when my "mood guy" and I meet, he is able to identify that which I don't want to address pretty quickly.  I like that he calls me on my bullshit and we go back to talk about it and I inevitably end up crying about the pain I don't want to face-or haven't had the tools to face in the past.  He also gets me to laugh about something eventually and I can see where my life isn't as upside down and dark as it feels.  

For all of the darkness, I have never gotten to the place of making plans to take my life, as some of those close to me have. There have been moments, however, that I just didn't want to exist.  There have been moments where I wanted a car accident to occur and not survive.  Or that I wanted a gigantic sinkhole to swallow me up.  I wanted the pain to end.  I wanted to not feel like the world around me was so dark.  I was afraid to admit these thoughts to my therapist.  He took note of them and didn't judge me and then we found ways to get me out of this space.  

There are 3 big things that are really affecting me lately.  One, of course, is my son's upcoming brain surgery.  There is a lot of fear associated with this.  But, I find that I now have more tools to keep my thoughts in a better place.  Having some additional information at my disposal has helped, as well.  The other two things:  I have a plan in place for one and I got some great news today that will take care of the other. Things are falling into place....and I now have the tools to live through these events presently and in a healthy way.  

I know that there are going to be traumatic events to come.  Bad things just happen and it is a part of life.  But now?  I am starting to learn some tools to manage them better so that I no longer get caught up in a whirlwind of ugly feelings.  

I've been saying there is light at the end of the tunnel-all year long, as we have lived through the pandemic and quarantine.  I am starting to see it again.  Darkness no longer consumes me.  

Cognitive Therapy works.  I'm grateful for my mood guy and our time together where he helps me to see things in a brighter light.  

It's hard to find a therapist that fits.  A good resource I found is:  www.psychologytoday.com.  There are filters where you can enter your insurance and your city.  Then you can read the bios to find out their specialties.  You can email them from the site to find out if they are accepting new patients and they will contact you.  I found my guy this way.  #ForeverGrateful