So I came forward as suffering through depression last week. I have mild or what is classified as situational depression (as opposed to clinical depression). I don't always handle traumatic events well. And, since my life has been a series of traumatic events--abusive childhood, abusive marriage with my kids having a front seat of my being treated poorly by my ex-husband, troublesome work environments, my kid having a brain tumor....throw in my brother dying by suicide when I was in my 30s and my sons being afflicted by their own mental health issues...well, you would think I would be a pro at handling them by now. I am not. Not by any stretch of the imagination.
For so long I have had to just get through it. Deal with it. Put on my big girl panties and buck up. I was a kid and a teenager dealing with my crazy mother. I just had to graduate from high school and then I was out of there...onto college and away from her. I was a married woman with young children when I was hit with my ex-husband's actions and my brother's suicide, all in the same time frame. I moved across country to start a new life. And then I was a single mom with two precious boys to care for when we didn't know which way was up.
There was never the time or the support in my corner to learn how to live through these traumatic things that have happened. I had to plow through and take care of everyone and everything around me.
But now? I have a supportive partner. This alone means I can now learn some healthy ways to live through the moments of depression and take the time I need to cry and rant and then do whatever I need to change the channel and manage the big feelings in a productive way.
I am generally a happy person. I love doing new things and finding new adventures to experience. I am happy for those around me who have happiness and success. Someone else' success and happiness does not take away from mine. I love my family. I love my friends. I love the things I do. And I feel things in a big way. I can feel the energy in a room and with a person and it envelops me. I am a bit empathic that way. I am a lot empathic that way, if I were to be honest. I smile through the days and laugh through the tough times, no matter what is going on around me-until I can't and then it's tears all day. In my older age, I find I am hiding the hard times less and less.
Situational depression is defined as a short-term form of depression that occurs as the result of a traumatic event or change in a person’s life. Situational depression stems from a struggle to come to terms with dramatic life changes. Recovery is possible once an individual comes to terms with a new situation.
Symptoms can include:
- listlessness
- feelings of hopelessness and sadness
- sleeping difficulties
- frequent episodes of crying
- unfocused anxiety and worry
- loss of concentration
- withdrawal from normal activities as well as from family and friends
- suicidal thoughts
When traumatic events happen in my life, I first deal with the situation at hand. I handle the details and whatever needs to be done. And then I start to feel the heaviness and the darkness. I am currently working with a therapist I trust so that I have the tools to change the channel on the dark thoughts that enter my mind and recognize the truth of what is happening...that it is is not as heavy as it feels and there are good things that I am not always seeing at the moment.
Cognitive Therapy is a type of psychotherapy in which negative patterns of thought about the self and the world are challenged in order to alter unwanted behavior patterns or treat mood disorders such as depression.
Usually when my "mood guy" and I meet, he is able to identify that which I don't want to address pretty quickly. I like that he calls me on my bullshit and we go back to talk about it and I inevitably end up crying about the pain I don't want to face-or haven't had the tools to face in the past. He also gets me to laugh about something eventually and I can see where my life isn't as upside down and dark as it feels.
For all of the darkness, I have never gotten to the place of making plans to take my life, as some of those close to me have. There have been moments, however, that I just didn't want to exist. There have been moments where I wanted a car accident to occur and not survive. Or that I wanted a gigantic sinkhole to swallow me up. I wanted the pain to end. I wanted to not feel like the world around me was so dark. I was afraid to admit these thoughts to my therapist. He took note of them and didn't judge me and then we found ways to get me out of this space.
There are 3 big things that are really affecting me lately. One, of course, is my son's upcoming brain surgery. There is a lot of fear associated with this. But, I find that I now have more tools to keep my thoughts in a better place. Having some additional information at my disposal has helped, as well. The other two things: I have a plan in place for one and I got some great news today that will take care of the other. Things are falling into place....and I now have the tools to live through these events presently and in a healthy way.
I know that there are going to be traumatic events to come. Bad things just happen and it is a part of life. But now? I am starting to learn some tools to manage them better so that I no longer get caught up in a whirlwind of ugly feelings.
I've been saying there is light at the end of the tunnel-all year long, as we have lived through the pandemic and quarantine. I am starting to see it again. Darkness no longer consumes me.
Cognitive Therapy works. I'm grateful for my mood guy and our time together where he helps me to see things in a brighter light.
It's hard to find a therapist that fits. A good resource I found is: www.psychologytoday.com. There are filters where you can enter your insurance and your city. Then you can read the bios to find out their specialties. You can email them from the site to find out if they are accepting new patients and they will contact you. I found my guy this way. #ForeverGrateful
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