I spent a weekend away with my sister and our friend a couple of weeks ago. The plan was to slumber party at a hotel with a pool and fruity drinks. Check! We did just that. It was what I needed to let my spine unwind after a really hard few months.
As I packed my bags, my main worry was what do I wear to the pool. I am 100 pounds overweight. It's hard to put out there, but it's the truth. I swim every weekend at the beach in a wetsuit. Under the wetsuit, I wear a swim skirt bottom and a bikini top. But it's covered. I have been trying to work on body acceptance, as I work to lose weight, knowing that I have done big things-even in this big body. That's not to say I don't want to lose it; I really do. In the meantime, I know I can't beat myself up everyday and I need to learn to love myself.
So back to the bathing suit at the pool with a fruity drink question....my suits in the past have been cute. I worked with what I had-which was a lot-haha! I wasn't sure they fit the way they were supposed to anymore and it was too depressing to try them all on. The suit I wear to the beach on Sundays feels like a workout uniform. I am comfortable in it to a point...and it's when I am surrounded by like-minded people. When I am at the beach on Sundays, I am able to push past the fact that I am the big girl on the beach. We are there to swim. It's part of the exercise I have been working on in my brain about self-acceptance. I have also been wearing the same thing with this group for awhile, so it wasn't scary anymore. I have been starting to branch out to try it more often....Chris and I have been going to the beach together and I have been wearing one of my two-piece suits to get more comfortable in my own skin. Again, working on self-acceptance. And I am with my husband who loves me and thinks I am beautiful, even when I can't see it. It's a cute suit. I wore it in Hawaii when I weighed less and was more fit. It's the suit I choose for my weekend getaway.
The people I am with on the weekend getaway love me and I love them. It's still hard to not feel self-conscious when I am trying something new in front of new people. You know the way we talk to ourselves--we are never good enough or look like we want to. And when you pair that with being with people you think are beautiful and are closer to what you want to look like, that's where the feelings of shame start to come in.
I wore it anyway. I was in a pool with other people (I don't care about what strangers think of me) and two people I care about: exposing my fat, pale belly and my jiggly back in a two piece swimming suit. You know what happened? Nothing. They told me my suit was cute. Even when I tried to downplay the cuteness of it because it was on my fat body. And then we sat in the pool and chatted all day. My body was a non-issue.
Do you want to know what else happened? I realized we all have our own body image issues. My sister, who is someone I look up to for her dedication to her morning workouts and her discipline, has her own voices telling her different things than I would tell her. My friend...she battles body image because she just faced a health battle that left her feeling less than the person I and everyone around her sees. These two women are beautiful and strong and amazing. And just like me, they see something else when looking in the mirror. We need to be kinder to ourselves.
Part of learning to love myself is knowing where I need to make some changes. I am sick of where I am. I decided to pursue weight loss surgery. It's a hot topic among people and everyone has big opinions about it. I have tried so many things: weight watchers, high protein/low carb, calorie counting, counting macros, plant-based, carb cycling. It's time for me to consult with a doctor. I am doing that at the end of the month. It's not a quick fix. It's not a short cut. It's what I need to do right now. Previously my blood work always came back clear. Now it is something I need to pay more attention to. I don't know if it is the stress of this year or my diet or what, but now is the time for a physician intervention. Now it is time for me to make some hard decisions that will help my overall health and these decisions are scary to me.
There are a lot of naysayers...people gain all the weight back, why not with diet and exercise, etc? Here is the thing: not everyone gains the weight back. I will still watch my diet and exercise. I just need some additional help. I am working with a therapist to battle "fat brain" and issues of deprivation and how to handle the social aspect of food ahead of time so I am equipped emotionally and mentally for what's ahead. I know it won't be easy.
What do I need from you, my friends and family? I need you to support me, no matter what you have heard about it second-hand. This is going to require discipline and that's something I struggle with. Encouragement...when life changes are happening, encouragement is key for me. I have already weighed my options and made a decision. The rest is between me and my doctor.
I am working on my body image. Part of that is going to be getting myself back to a healthier place. I want to look at the person I see in the mirror and not wince. I want to feel strong and run and feel accomplished by what my body can do again. I want to love myself.
