Everyone said it would pass. And it has.
The past year was full of ups and downs and gains and losses. My boys went and came back. The going was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. It wasn’t the natural launch. It was fraught with bad feelings and lack of communication. My heart was as broken as it ever was without them in it. I felt like I was living my mother’s life-with her children not talking to her as she aged. And the prospect of having the same fate just broke me open. I cried, no-I sobbed everyday for months.
Of course as with everything, I find that children breaking away in a hard way is as normal with other families as the rest of my life, which I always thought of being as different from everyone else. But the point is: they are back and talking to me everyday and we are having meals together and having fun days at Disneyland again. A year ago, I wasn’t sure it would ever happen again.
Yesterday Trevor and I spent the day at Disneyland. When I say we laughed all day long, I mean we laughed all day long. It started with breakfast at Storytellers Cafe. We saw Chip and Dale and Minnie and Mickey and Pluto. We hugged them and talked to them and reveled in our memories together of the past decade at Disneyland. We watched kids get so excited about the possibility of meeting their favorites. We ate good food—I tasted bites of food and he ate good food is the more honest truth :) — and we had conversations about everything and nothing at all. When Trevor picked up the check because he wanted to treat me on my birthday (he, in fact, bought my lunch later as well), I was equal parts excited and impressed.
We spent a lot of time in Fantasyland because some of my favorite parts of Disneyland are in the heart of the Happiest Place on Earth. And then we spent the rest of the day in Galaxy’s Edge, the Star Wars land part of the park. We are both Star Wars nerds and we just love being there. I found myself on the receiving end of a detailed explanation of the history of the Sith. Trev is reading a trilogy about it and he had my full attention as he explained a part of the Star Wars history I had no idea about. More than anything, I was interested in his take on things and I loved hearing that 1. He is reading again (for years he always had his nose in a book. It has changed a little bit over the years) and 2. If my kids are interested in something, it interests me. Giving me a look inside their brains and hearts is the most fascinating thing I am allowed. I don’t care what the story is or the meme they want to show me-moments can be fleeting and I am here to catch and hold onto every single one. It was in these breathings, I realized we had to go through the last year to get to where we are now.
It’s not just things with Trevor that are better-it’s better with all of the kids. I see them flourishing in their lives. We talk and make plans. I am so happy to see brightness in their eyes and smiles and laughs in their days. The darkness is gone. I am no longer consumed with fears everyday of What Ifs? Yesterday with Trevor was an example of how far things have come in a year.
With the boys back in the fold, there is more peace and levity in my days in every aspect. I have noticed it’s been progressively more peaceful and fun since the beginning of the new year. I laugh more. My laughs are big belly laughs. I feel joy. I smile. I am enjoying every moment with those whom I surround myself. I am playing with my husband and with my friends. And when we need to rest, we rest. We are finally back to living and not merely existing.
My friend mentioned to me the other day that it has been noticeable. That makes me happy too. I know it was noticeable to everyone when I was sad. For it to be noticeable when I am feeling contented as well, shows balance. There is a Sith/Jedi- dark side/light side correlation in there somewhere 😊
Part of the tranquility comes from letting go of the things and the people who dragged me down and made me feel less than. During the times of disconnect with the kids, my little sister would remind me that I was a good mom and I was a good person and to not let their inconsiderate and sometimes mean words and actions get to me. I have always had a difficult time believing in myself. That’s what happens when your lifetime is spent with the wrong people. I believe in myself now.
I am a good mom.
I am a good sister.
I was a good daughter.
I am a good wife.
I am a good friend.
I am a good employee.
I am a good person.
No matter the circumstances or if someone is mad at me or if there are tough times surrounding people or how I look or how much I weigh, I am valuable and I am deserving of good things and good people to be in my life. And quite frankly, they are just as lucky to have me. I am a good person to have in your corner.
Whoa, That’s a lot to unpack, isn’t it?
With all the good that has happened, there are some people and things that were sad to let go of, but that is a thought for another time…right now I am focused on the good stuff.
I was layed up for a couple of weeks in January for my weight loss surgery. I was frightened and nervous and although it is good now, it was hard for a little while. The girl who never knew how much she was loved would have been floored by the amount of compassion I was shown during this time. And intellectually, I should know better. I am a smart woman. But deep in my heart is still that little girl who sometimes can’t believe that people really care that much. I was texted and called and visited and messaged to check on how I was feeling. It made an impression on my heart that will never disappear. Never. As my friend said when we were talking about this the other day, along with letting go of some of the physical weight, I am also letting go of the other trappings that weighed me down. It’s been really freeing.
I was shown that people really do love me.
And then I started to love myself.
All of that love is enough to make anyone feel happy.
