I am a Mom above everything

I am exhausted. 

Today marks the day my son comes home from the rehab center, after having a brain tumor removed two weeks ago.  He is walking.  He is talking.  He is getting stronger everyday.  For that, I am eternally grateful.  Two weeks ago I was beyond fearful I would never hug him again.  Today he is laughing and we are making jokes and he is tentatively checking to see what things he can do around the house. And now I can rest. 

I can rest. 

I can eat without getting an upset stomach.

I can plan my week.

I can clean the mess on my kitchen table. 

I can put away laundry. 

I can self-care. 

There is still a long road ahead of us, but I feel lighter.  There are no longer tears, just waiting for the moment to take over and fall out of my eyes.  My breath doesn't catch, fearful of what news a phone call from the doctors will bring.  

Of course every procedure is a risk.  I can only say that the things he went through are much more serious than we ever could imagine and we are very lucky with the outcome.  Ignorance was bliss two weeks ago.  I am not sure I would have been ok going home after the surgery if I knew then what I know now.  His neurosurgeon is definitely at the top of my favorite persons list now. 

Now that I can breathe a little easier, it is clear that I am a Mom above everything else.  When my kids are in distress, I am in distress.  We have had a few months of distress.  The plan for me now:  to get rest, to meal plan and get back to health, to exercise, to clean up some areas in my home.  It's the end of June.  July 1 marks the start of the second half of the year.  With that in mind, the second half of my year is for this mom to put some care into other parts of her life that matter.  

In an airplane, the flight attendant tells us in the event of an emergency to put the mask of oxygen on our face before helping anyone around us with theirs.  I can say with certainty that I have not been breathing the oxygen before taking care of those around me.  And it all fell to shit.  My house was in such a state that I hired a housekeeper to come and help me out of the funk.  I stopped sleeping through the night and that meant my daily walks at the lake with my sweet pal, Eugene, fell to the wayside at least half the time, since I wasn't sleeping well and couldn't wake up early enough.  And there were constant tears.  My heart was feeling ripped out of my chest and I was always so tired.  I clearly need to make some changes. 

There are dozens of articles about moms putting a backseat to their own health to take care of those around them.  It's not something we do just to do.  Sometimes it doesn't feel like there are enough hours in the day to care for ourselves.  More times than not, at least for me, I just didn't have the energy for self-care after everyone else was cared for.  I do know that I am a better mom when I have had rest and some exercise and even some time for a pedicure.  

So now it starts.  I am not going to feel guilty for taking time to go for a quick run.  Those miles won't get easier on their own.  I am not going to feel guilty for anything I do.  I know that we have some tough days ahead (I keep saying this!).  Taking care of my kids is a top priority, even though they are young adults.  Taking care of myself will help me to take care of them. And it's not a bad lesson for them to learn...that self-care is essential.  I am a mom above everything.  I can show them being a mom is more than about fretting over the hard stuff.  It's also showing them that every aspect of health matters.  It's also showing them that I have the self-respect to matter, too.