Life is really different now and I love it so much more.
It was 5 years ago, the year of my marathon, that I weighed what I do now. I was really active and I remember how much I loved running at that time. I loved it and craved it. I've missed that version of me-active and enjoying every bit of it.
A lot has changed in 5 years. We went through devastation and heartbreak. We have let go of things and people. We have built up our life and strengthened the ties to those we cherish even more.
Amidst that mass of emotional transformation, I also shed 70 lbs of my own body weight. Since the time of my weight loss surgery and all of the preparation for it in January, I have noticed so many changes in my life and in my confidence. The way I eat is different, for sure. The way I see my body is different. The way I move is different. More than anything, I have more certainty of my own identity and what I bring to the table. The transformation was not only on the outside. Something clicked on the inside, as well, and I suddenly don't question my worth any longer.
Some things I have noticed:
*Food: I previously loved the whole ceremony of dining. I loved being with friends and picking where we will eat after a run or an event. I enjoyed figuring out what I would bring to delight all of our tastes. Now? Although I enjoy a good theme or party as much as anyone else, I am more mindful about what feels good vs what tastes good. They really go hand-in-hand at this point, but in an entirely different way than they did before.
Chris and I would stop for food at any whim prior to January. We knew the best taco shop, Italian restaurant, our favorite pizza or even fast food stop in any location. We just needed an excuse to not cook and there we were. We still go out on occasion, but it isn't with the frivolous thought, or rather non-thought, we used previously.
I cook all the time. My meals are protein forward with complex carbs (veggies or a nutrient robust, albeit small, salad) as an afterthought. A favorite in the former life was tacos or pizza. Now? Tacos are better with just the filling and pizza feels like a square fitting into a circle inside my abdomen, with the corners poking through just enough to let me know it is there. A few bites in and the temporary desire for it flees my brain. Cravings have become more non-existent as the days go on.
I still can't eat a hamburger or chicken breast. Something about the texture doesn't quite agree with the new me. Maybe one day it will work, but not yet. I do admit to trying once in awhile to see if it changes. Protein shakes are a normal part of my existence now. I don't fight it anymore and instead, I enjoy the nourishment and the ease of getting what I need from them, now that I found one that tastes good. 😀 Eating my way through Disneyland is a thing of the past...
*The way I see my body: This one is interesting to me. 70 lbs ago, I was round. And I hated it. I am still obese and although I look better and feel better, I still have a long way to go. 85 more pounds to go is my long-term goal...although I can and will likely check-in with myself on the journey to see how I feel along the way. As the weight leaves my body, I remain cognizant of what I still need to do to be the healthiest version of myself. When I was at this weight 5 years ago, I still hated myself. I wasn't comfortable in my own skin and constantly focused on what I wasn't. Today I celebrate the victories. I am dressing in a more self-assured manner. There are days I even feel pretty. And for someone who was told for a long time that I was the smart one and not the pretty one, or that I didn't have the body of a runner, or that I needed my hair to be curled to look nice, this is a big deal. I am proud of my progress.
*The way I move: I am starting to run again. 70 lbs ago it hurt. At one point I was taking 800 mg of ibuprofen at a time for aches and pains, as if they were pieces of candy. They made my existence in the big, round body of mine feel like I can make it through the day. I would go home and slink into the couch, trying to forget what I was able to accomplish in years past. It added to the hatred I couldn't help but heap on my already fragile psyche.
Chris and I joined a gym together two weeks ago. This week alone, I have met a friend before work to learn how to work the weights so that I can get myself into a routine and firm up and strengthen muscles that forgot they were supposed to do something. I am thisclose to making plans to run in the morning with my beloved soul sisters again. I am feeling stronger and capable again. I can't wait to get back to training for a race and learning how to deal with a bike ride on the road so that those lofty goals made with girlfriends while we giggled over whatever we were doing at the time can become reality once more.
*My own identity and what I bring to the table: I remember writing last year about how I didn't feel worthy of much of anything. I just didn't see it through all of the crap I have heard from people who I thought were in my corner for too many years. Today I know that my weight and the way I look is the least interesting part about me. The crazy part about this is that it was my focus for so dang long. It reminds me a little bit of the line in the movie The Help, "You is kind, You is Smart, You is Important." Somewhere along the way I started to believe it. I am kind and I am smart and I am important. I am also realizing it is my place to help spread that to people who have a hard time seeing it in their own existence. I want the people around me to see their importance in not only the world and in their own life, but also mine.
Everything feels so different than it did 6 months ago. I am excited about the changes and ready to continue evolving.
And don't be surprised if I remind you along the way that you are important! 💖
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