Confession

I have a confession to make.  Today I hugged a friend.  And I didn't let go for a very long time.  I even got teary eyed, but hid it behind my mask.  It's been a long time.  I used to hug EVERYONE.  My friends are mostly huggers.  We love each other a lot and we love hard.  Anyway, we planned the hug and I'm not sorry.  

I think the hardest part about this year has been the lack of physical contact with people I love, of course not including my family.  Pre-Covid, whenever we would see each other, we greeted with a hug.  We would say goodbye with a hug.  We would hug for good news and with bad.  It's been so difficult...and it's been a year!!!!  I have had a few hugs from non-family members this past year, but I can count them on less than two hands.  We would take a deep breath, both masked and look the other way and hold onto to each other for 3 seconds and then let go.  It was never often and usually for comfort during a hard situation.  The first time was when we lost my dog in the Spring of last year.  I was a mess and a dear friend knew I needed some comfort.  Deep breath, look the other way, squeeze tight, step away quickly.  Life has been so foreign the last 12 months. 

Last year when we first found out it was safe to exercise outside and be apart from people, masked up, I did this for a little while with a small pod of people.  We had it down:  one of us would walk on the sidewalk, another on the street and we would do this in small pairs on a predetermined route.  We were able to chat a bit and were trying to get used to the new normal.  It was always so hard for me to leave this time together because I knew what we were missing when it was time to go home.  I still got to see these ladies once in awhile, but it killed me to not be able to hug them and to be 6ft apart at all times.  We would high five with our feet in our sneakers, as a way to connect, but when I got home tears would inevitably follow.  

I started to avoid anything with a group of people who I really liked and loved.  Not only out of responsibility and concern for those around me, but also because it was easier to go without any of the contact than to have only some contact.  I knew what I was missing if I went.  If I didn't go to anything, then I could circumvent being reminded, for the moment.  When I went back to work I stopped seeing most everyone.  The world became a little bit more scary and I took on the duty of keeping a fragile population safe.  I was not going to be the reason someone near me fell ill. 

So now I am vaccinated.  I am post dose 1 and dose 2 of the Pfizer vaccine and more than 2 weeks out of the vaccination window.  I was very fortunate to not have any side effects.  The CDC has said that I do not have to be quarantined if exposed to people with Covid.  This seems to imply that I am not a carrier.  Not everyone is as fortunate as I am to be in the "safe zone."  I am still taking my responsibility seriously and masking up and keeping my pod small.  And yet, I find myself getting Covid cabin fever.  I see light shining bright at the end of the tunnel.  I want to do more things but I understand it's not the way of the world yet. I need to practice diligence and patience so that everyone can feel safe.  It's not all about me.  

One day we will laugh in restaurants and go to concerts again.  One day we will race again.  One day we won't worry that we can't hold on tight to all of the happiness and love and hug all of the pain away.

I promise to be patient until then. 

She has antibodies and I am vaccinated...so our hug today was safe.  And I am still not sorry.  

But I do promise to still be careful and take my responsibility to my fellow person seriously so everyone can hold on tight to their friends again.  And soon.