Facing Mortality or Embracing Life's Moments?

A few of my friends know this, but I am terrified of dying.  I've kept this to myself mostly for a long time.  I know it is completely counter to my beliefs as a Christian woman because I do believe in the glory and the peace of heaven and being reunited with my loved ones that have passed before me.  But when I think about it and of not existing, I have a panic attack.  When this happens, Chris comes to me and just holds me and talks to me.  I don't care what he says, he just has to talk.  I need to be distracted from this fear that makes me freeze.  It usually passes and then I try to find peace in prayer, surrounding myself with family, putting good out in the world and deep breathing.  My panic attacks don't last very long and I have been trying very hard to keep them at bay, surrounding myself in peaceful situations.  A friend once told me that she thinks I am afraid because I am not done yet with this world-that I still have so much more to do.  I have been thinking about it since she told me and I think she is right.  Plus, I want to be here for my kids and their future milestones and their future children's milestones.  I think they still need me. 

And then there was COVID.  This is why I stayed in my living room on my own for most of the time since March.  This is why I walked alone with my pup at the lake.  I am not done yet and this pandemic wants so many people to be done.  I knew in my bones that if I contracted this virus that I would be on a vent and that the odds against me surviving were high.  There were some people that scoffed at me and that fear.  They are no longer in my life.  I am overweight and I spent 6 months last year sick with respiratory illness.  I knew I could not be reckless.  Despite conspiracy theories, this is not just the flu.  Thank goodness we have been safe and healthy so far. 

Amid all of these fears, I find myself working in a senior living community where there are varying degrees of health issues from completely healthy to needing more care with cognitive impairment.  I love every minute of it.  I don't think I can even communicate how much I love it.  You would think that with my family's history of Alzheimer's Disease that I would run far away from a memory care area of such a community.  It is my favorite place to visit during the day.  I always try to sneak a quick visit to our memory care unit to say hello and catch some smiles. Of course there are some tough moments in the day when there is confusion, but usually I see joy.

I think my new job is helping me face my fear.  Everyday these amazing people-I like to call them my friends-in the senior community live and laugh and play games and dance to music.  They are at the end of their years and are thriving and enjoying what moments are in our day, in whatever capacity they can.  I don't see fear.  I see smiles.  I see wisdom.  I see sass.  I see humor.  I see grouchiness.  I haven't seen fear yet.  And I haven't had a panic attack about dying since I started working there.  Maybe if I see peace and just daily living for the people who are older than I am more frequently, then I will have more peace as the number of days I have left on this earth decrease.  Maybe I will stop seeing it as facing mortality and start seeing it as embracing life's moments.  

I am working on changing my mindset.  I aim to see the good that happens instead of worrying and wallowing in the unfortunate.  It's not an easy shift but I think it will help me embrace life's moments and to get back to what I have considered my mantra since 2010:  Living instead of existing.  I am getting closer.    #2021MindsetChange